Paddleboat Shuggie

When Ally asked me to hop aboard a Kann family trip to rural Wisconsin, I couldn’t say no. It’s always fun being a part of someone else’s family for a bit, if only for a few days. Given my chaotic, slightly crazy, Vietnamese American upbringing, the Kanns are like exotic birds in my eyes. They go to bed early, wake up early, have extended TV channels, are absolutely insane about Trader Joe’s snacks, prefer brown rice over white, don’t throw parties on the weekends,  the list goes on and on. I suppose it’s a bit strange for me to write about them as if they’re unicorns or aliens, considering the majority of American households are like this, but I can’t help myself sometimes.

On a Thursday morning, I arrived at the Kann residence with backpack and duffel bag in hand. We departed around 11:15 am, picked up Maria from summer school, and hit the road soon after. The majority of our three hour drive was spent staring out the window, talking about college things, eating snacks, and listening to groovy tunes (minus the Watercolors Sirius XM radio station, because I hate it). Y’know, the usual road trip activities.

After passing through a handful of small towns, the geographical center of Wisconsin, and barns with collapsed roofs, we had arrived at our destination. We started things off by stopping at Grandma Kann’s cottage and eating lunch at a nearby bar, owned by the Hotchkiss family. Ally and I played one game of foosball and two games of pool. Foosball was great, but pool was an embarrassing, hot mess. I had never played pool before in my life and Ally had limited experience. Needless to say, we were both terrible at it. But, it was a great learning experience— it just happened to be accompanied by confused old men sitting at a nearby table.

After we were done with our bar stop, we checked into Uncle Bob and Aunt Shelly’s residence, where we would be staying for the next few nights. Once we finished settling in, we went back to the cottage, and proceeded to take a ride in the paddleboat. Later that night, we joined Mama Kann in watching a celebrity scandal TV show, just for kicks. And of course, I learned a great deal about Chris Farley, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Mickey Rourke in the span of a few hours, and in the most unbiased manner possible. We got back to Uncle Bob and Aunt Shelly’s house soon after our Celebrity Scandal session and spent the rest of the night watching Drake and Josh, Anna and the King, and Family Feud.

The next two days were filled with more relaxation and bumming around. Once again, it was nice being taken away from my usual tight schedule filled with work and errands. I have never watched so much television in my life, nor have I paddleboated so much in my life. Despite the immense relaxation, I was slightly sleep deprived and averaged 4 - 4.5 hours of sleep each night. But it was fun.

On Friday, we went into a nearby city, Marshfield, for brunch. We then went back to the cottage and did some more paddleboating. We paddled around for hours, and boy was it nice and breezy outside. We talked about everything from boy problems to religion and traveling. I don’t remember what we did after that, but I do remember making fried rice, watching Sharknado and Kevin Hart’s I’m a Grown Little Man. We also stuffed our faces with cream cheese pineapple peach salsa, tortilla chips, and banana chips. Good stuff.

Our last full day started off with a delicious pancake, eggs, and bacon breakfast. We sat around, watched a Sandra Bullock movie, and hung around the house until it was time to go to Saturday afternoon church. I almost never go to church, but when I do it’s always with the Kanns. We got to church fifteen minutes early, because that’s how the Kanns roll. I sat there and observed the glass stained windows, the incoming flow of Stratfordians, and the crying baby somewhere in the front. I was a bit anxious before the service because I always stick out like a sore thumb at church. I don’t have anything memorized, I can’t sing the hymns without a book, and I can’t cross myself with confidence.

The man of the hour was an Indian priest named Alphonse. He wore the usual priest attire, was roughly a foot taller than me, and had a thick accent. Usually when I go to church I have a rough idea of what’s going on, but this time I was absolutely confused. There was no program or guide to follow, and no one ever pulled out the hymn books. And I couldn’t even B.S. it and pretend I knew what was going on. But, it was all worth it because I got to shake hands with an Indian priest named Alphonse, like how cool is that?

After church, we went back to the cottage and I experienced my first pontoon ride. It was a very nice, relaxing, and scenic. Shortly after, we did some chalk drawing on the driveway while listening to a world music radio station. Once I had completed my chalky rendition of Starry Night and Ally finished her Pooh bear inspired drawing, we took off in the paddleboat once more.

Watching the sunset on the paddleboat was absolutely satisfying; the golden rays of the sun bounced and reflected on the water until it finally hit behind the clouds. All was going well, until a handful of redneck, tweeny bopping boys decided to moon us on their pontoon. It was immature and laughable that these kids could find satisfaction in flashing a pasty pair of butt flabs to a couple of older girls, but we made it clear that we were indifferent towards them and paddled on. They circled around us and mooned us twice until we finally got out of their sight. I did the proper, adult thing and dedicated a freestyle rap to them (very expletive heavy, but very clever). We got a huge kick out of it and recorded a video of it, with me rapping and Ally doing third-rate beatboxing in the background, just in case I wanted to send it to a record company someday. Once it started to get dark, we went back to shore and Papa Kann drove us back to Uncle Bob and Aunt Shelly’s house. When we got back, we sat in Ally’s room and hung out until 4 in the morning. We had a mini dance party, followed by loads of girl talk.

Four hours later, we got up, packed up our stuff, ate breakfast, and hit the road. We drove to Menomonie to drop off a car for one of Ally’s cousins, who needed a car to drive once she flew in from Seattle (or something like that). We listened to mix CDs and The National on the way there. I learned that in addition to having a Sparta, Wisconsin also has an Athens. And not only are there towns named after Greek city states in Wisconsin, but there is also a Little Cuba, Belgium, and Berlin in Wisconsin. After we dropped off the car, we finally headed home.

Overall, it was a nice trip. I got to experience rural Wisconsin at its finest. I am thankful for the Kann family for taking me away from my busy schedule, even though it was only temporary. This trip not only showed me the joys of pontooning and fancy coasters, but it also deepened my love for white rice, which I had not consumed for four days. Shout out to Father Alphonse for being cool, and shout out to the congregation that sang that one hymn in the wrong key and it was hilarious.